Food addiction

I apologise in advance cause this is going to be a ramble.


I've been back from the "Weekend of Indulgence"(TM) for a week and a half now. That week was supposed to have been spent on 1200 calories.


I think I maybe managed that two days out of seven - and that was only because I did a buttload of exercise that day.


Anyway, I was averaging about 1700 calories a day, which is ok as it's still below my current maintenance level.


This weekend however - though I still stuck to 1700 roughly each day - was really hard.  I was having some serious food addict cravings.  I really broke my resolve on that weekend away. Having biscuits and crisps and doughnuts and cake and all those kinds of things just on hand has kind of broken all of my will power.


I had had my lunch yesterday (a really nice cashew butter and banana sandwich seeing as you asked) and as I was finishing the last mouthful of it I had the old feeling of disappointment that the food was gone and that that was the only thing that I had had. 


Why had I had this sandwich instead of a ham sandwich? 
Is it really going to be 5 hours before I get to eat anything else today? 
Why don't we just have another sandwich and top off the tummy nicely?
If you could only make yourself sick now you could go and get something else as well!!! (DANGER, DANGER, DANGER!)


Thankfully I've never crossed into bulimia territory (ok, maybe once when I ate a cookie that I instantly regretted - but only once I swear), my problem was I liked to binge and forgot to purge at the end! 


Anyway, I caught myself thinking old thoughts of "is that all??" and really had to fight myself to not go into the kitchen and snack on plain tortillas and ham and whatever other sandwich making ingredients I could dig out of the fridge just to fight off the boredom.


I knit the entire back of a sweater to keep myself from doing something stupid :)


So in a way I'm quite pleased with myself that I managed to avoid it, but I am worried that the old, old feelings can come back so easily.


I watched myself (2 weekends ago) eating an entire bag of cheese kettle crisps. Crisp after crisp after crisp. Not even a single person bag, one of those grab bags that you're supposed to share among 6 people. I ate that whole thing. Sitting in a room with 12 other people I sat and ate that whole damn thing like a proper food addict.  So I guess this weekend was my brain going 
"Well why was it ok that weekend but not this weekend??"


BECAUSE IT ISN'T! 


Because I'm 14stone 4.75lbs and I want to be 10 stone 10lbs (may not ever actually happen, but dammit I'm not going to let a big bag of crisps totally derail me)


Because the target date that I actually started this stuff for is less than a month away now and I won't let my stupid brain ruin everything now!


*sigh*


Stupid addict brain.


I was hoping that the addiction would move at least a bit from food to exercise like it seems to have for a lot of other people who blog about this kind of thing. 


Still waiting.